Overcoming Lack of Attention

There's a theory that says if you don't receive 'positive touches' 8 times a day, you're more likely to be moody. And that's pretty true. Positive touches are anything really. Hugs, holding hands, kisses, ect. ect. Anything that allows you to be touched (as long as it's not being forced. Forcefully touch anyone, and I will find you).

But moving on. Guess what I found on FB today? The guy I liked a long time ago, the one I spent my summer texting away (which is pretty hard to believe) is now reunited with his ex; aka my best friend. It's a forbidden rule to go out with a guy that has dated your best friend, but that rule doesn't apply to emotions (since emotions are uncontrollable sometimes). But now that they're hooked up, I'm pretty disappointed. He was the only guy who I called to when I was crying, during the time my mom was literally being hunted by dad. He heard me out. He heard me. No one does that. No one actually saw me cry, even if it's just hearing it. He was actually special to me.

But ever since I went to WSHS, I stopped texting him. I lost contact with him. I lost him.

And I'm pretty stupid to do that. But y'know. It's actually alright. I might never find a more gentleman like him around ever, but that's fine. I mean, sure, there's no one to tell about my inner thoughts anymore, but if he's happy (and I'm sure he is; he really loved my best friend), then there's nothing more I want.

...

I still need those 8 happy touches. I'm starting to feel like there's nothing to live for in this life of mine.

I'm Very Clingy

Alright.

I admit it.

I'm very clingy.

I am obsessed with cute little trinkets, and often find myself looking back on the 'old days'. I become to lost in my thoughts, that I want to repeat my past, but it's impossible to commit the same with others. I like someone, and I have these thoughts that I want him to notice me and only me.

I'm so attached to myself and the people I love.

And, no matter how much I try to keep myself away, I find myself noticing my faults and it hurts. I want to break down and sob. Did I forget to mention I'm also emotional?

I'm more likely to cry than to smile, because of this stupid sensitivity level I have. True, I'm not perfect, but I thought I have everything controlled.

But I don't.

It's my will power I'm relying on to not jump on people and cry my heart out. Although I look cool and calm on the out, that's just my 'shell' you see. On the inside...

...I'm more than you think.

Crowds in My School

I have nothing against being in crowds. I have my own little group, too (sadly it only consist of Spade and I =.=") But lately Spade doesn't hang out with me, yet that's pretty fine. Judging from the amount of time she spent with her other guyfriends, I'm just a simple flea an her back. :/

So, I'm on Route 1 all over again.

I wonder how long can I last without going mad?

No, scratch that, I've already gone mad...

Atleast, not as mad as the Mad Hatter.

To tell you the truth, I want another, more different friend. There is Diamond. But then again, I never talked to her for these past few decades. And then Clovers all study-study-study. I don't have anything against it, but damnit I want someone around me sometimes.

I'm very bitter. Well, I can be very bitter. It's probably the reason why I broke up with my ex. :/ I just can't help but test it out. It's like a normal thing for me to do. One second, a guy asks me out, and then I'm all like...

"Let's play a game."

Of course, no one knows about my bitter and angst side. She's very dark, too. And along the way, she holds all the anger, the abuse, the bitterment I received from others, and learn from them.

So, now I'm all bitter, and angsty and all that. Not angry though. I don't think I've snapped.

Atleast, not yet.

Oh right, we're talking about crowds. Uh, well, like I stated, I don't really mind. But not she. She's not happy with the amount of people crowding and laughing and making snarky remarks. She wants to fight them, to hurt, and to hear people cry and yell.

I told her to stop it. But she wouldn't listen and closed herself up in the depths of my mind.

...

I sound like I have a multiple personality disorder.

Ah, the crowds have disperse. Good. To be honest, they were getting quite annoying. I think this is going to be a normal thing for me, to be bitter to the people I like. I told myself multiple times.

Be assertive.

Be respectful.

Be responsible.

Be knowledgable.

Be someone everyone likes

But, even so, I kept up this little 'angel girl' act. And surprisingly, people are rather bitter about this type of personality. When I try to help, they would walk away. When I say thanks, they look away. When I lend out a hand, they simple ignore my whole being.

And frankly, it's getting quite annoying.

So, what can I do? I can do multiple things to capture the human's interests. Suicide and death seems to be one of them. Humans react to them, shaking their heads and pitying on the dead.

'She was beautiful.'

'She was nice.'

'She...'

They don't know anything, and yet they comment about how pretty she is, how wonderful her life could've been, or talk about her personality even without the knowledge of knowing that decease person.

How annoying.

I'm tired of hearing that, that people would discuss the death of a person so carelessly. In fact, if I do die, I'd rather die a quiet death, in which no one will talk of my life, my personality, or any of that kind of stuff.

What's another thing that attracts humans? Ah, yes. Destructions. I'm not really gonna discuss the topic.  Not my cup of tea.

What about people's pasts? I have a pretty dark past, with the...

Ah, my tea gone bitter.

I'm getting off topic here. We were discussing crowds of people, right? I apologize if this post is making the food go cold. I just walk 1.4 miles just to get to school on time, 'cause the car is broken. Another thing that reminds me of my past.

Don't tell me that I 'have to let go' of my past. As far as I'm concern, it's nobody's business.

I'll keep it in the box of broken things, and pile them higher.

I wonder if anyone will notice that tall tower.

I should make it invisible.

Just so no one will notice.

It's better this way.

...